I have talked about my mother’s death here before. But today, on the one-year anniversary of her passing, I want to talk about the night she died. I don’t have much point to make. This is a very disjointed, stream-of-consciousness entry. But I’m ready to talk about it, and I want to have a record of what it was like ( Read more... )

Spoilers ahead for Mad Men season 7. Sorry.Betty Draper died of cancer. And I don’t know how to react ( Read more... )

Don't know why this is on my mind today. But I'm writing it here for the record.

My dad never gave up on my mom. He was the one who was chiefly responsible for taking care of her as she got sicker and sicker, and he was utterly devoted to it. Mom's healthcare people said they'd never seen anything like it. They must have been doing something right, ( Read more... )

I could talk for ages about the woman who was my mother. Things you probably already know. Her kindness, her grace, her intelligence, her talents. I could go on forever. But standing up here now at her memorial, you know what I can’t get out of my head?

This isn’t fair.

We shouldn’t have to be here. We shouldn’t have to be mourning her loss so ( Read more... )

The house was very, very clean when we first came in. It was always extremely clean when we were growing up, but it's spotless. There are, and will be, people coming in and out, and Dad wanted it to be presentable. Honestly, I think it's also something he can control.

Mom is upstairs, in the medical bed the hospice brought. She's not really ( Read more... )

My dad called today to say that my mom's nurses think that it is very likely that she will pass in the next few days. It's hard to say these things for sure, but she's showing all the signs of multi-system failure, and while there is a possibility she could linger, my dad, who has been right with her through every moment of her illness, thinks he ( Read more... )

Going home again this weekend, and again, not looking forward to it. Dad says Mom is fading fast. I know the hospice people came by the house last week, and though they didn't exactly tell me what that means, I can only conclude that it was to make whatever preparations necessary for Mom to die. Again, not sure exactly what those preparations might ( Read more... )

Well, my visit home was about as rough as I expected. Mom is in bad shape. She's been in really bad shape before and bounced back, but I just have a feeling of doom this time. I think she's going to slide down from here. I'm scared what that will be like. She so doesn't want to become helpless.

Feel really down about it. Nothing else to be done.

*Sigh* Have to get up early to go home tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, honestly. The six hour drive is not fun, but I'm worried about what I'll find when I get there.

My mom isn't doing great. It's never quite so clear over the phone, as she doesn't like me to know when that's the case. But when I'm at home I'll see it firsthand. It's hard. I ( Read more... )

Mom had a bad CAT scan. Her lung cancer has not only grown but spread. It's in her adrenal gland, her lymph nodes. And her brain tumors are back. Can't repeat the big treatment again. There's so little left that she hasn't already tried. Anything they do now is a shot in the dark; they don't know what to do at this point. Going to spread more and ( Read more... )